dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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