The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
