I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
