I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
