You're a womanizer and a bitch.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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