he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
