You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
