I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
