Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I accidentally burped into my bong.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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