The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
