We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dignity is for republicans.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
