I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
