wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
