I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
