so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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