plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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