i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The best revenge is premature balding
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
