Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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