So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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