Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
