Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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