When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize