well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So squirting runs in the family.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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