Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
