the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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