i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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