Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize