Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
