I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
