I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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