I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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