he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
