I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize