I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
