After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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