Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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