My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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