I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
