Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
