i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize