i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
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