You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
