I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize