I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
