Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
