AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
