Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize