I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You were trust falling into bushes
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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