I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
