I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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