Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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