in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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