Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
