I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
