If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
