So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
