woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You made out with two different species that night
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
